My year with sobriety – the good the bad and the ugly.

365 days sobriety complete – go me! Last year I signed up to sober for October to raise money for the McMillan charity and kept going. I had been sober for 1 year and 9 months before that but sort of fell into the way of drinking again after being persuaded that alcohol in moderation might have some health benefits that I might be missing out on. However once I was back into the old habit of having a drink at the end of the week and over the weekend – I quickly regretted starting again but it would take a few years to once again feel that it was time to consider stopping.

Now I am in my 50s, the benefits of not drinking way outstrip any desire to start again but it has been a journey and I have learned a lot about myself and my habits – but also the huge societal pressures we face to keep drinking.

When I signed up to the McMillan challenge I was supported by a group of my dearest friends and we raised a lot of money. I remember giggling about how much we raised in a short period of time due to the hilarity that we are going to do it – be sober for a whole month. We supported each other through it and I also bought the audiobook “The Alcohol Experiment” by Annie Grace. It is a day by day guide to 28 days of sobriety. This was not because I was worried I could not do it, instead I wanted something inspiring to listen to and learn a lot about habits/motivation and change behaviour. When I was listening to this book, I was signposted to another book, “Quit like a Woman”by Holly Whitaker and this book changed everything for me.

I have been a doctor for nearly 30 years and been in the privileged position to care for some of our most vulnerable people in society, many who face addictions. This book spoke to me about the vulnerabilities many people face when dealing with addiction and how, with alcohol in particular, the marketing makes it very, very hard to be sober in our society. So when it came to the end of my 28 days and I wanted to keep going. I did not tell too many people as I was worried that I would be a social pariah due to my choice.

The truth is it can feel like not everyone is happy for you when you stop drinking. Unlike giving up tobacco, giving up alcohol is something you feel the need to justify or feel a sense of judgement as if others were trying to figure out if you are an alcoholic or if something is wrong with you. This has been the most difficult part and something I have had to sit with. Thought loops that go through my head (still) include: “will people still find me fun?” and “am I still fun?” Another uncomfortable thought was/is, “ what if I don’t care what others think?” Would I be willing to let friendships evolve and even end due to the fact we no longer have that in common?

My “party is not over, it is just different” is one online quote I read and really chimed with me. This probably best describes where I am at with it now.

Having some perimenopausal symptoms, I really do not miss hangovers at all. They are just horrid and eat into so much of our precious time. My sleep is pretty good, my concentration is helped by not having to washout booze and I have much more availability to do things and be there for my family.

I never wake feeling I have “missed out” by my choice to not drink the night before. I tend to get up much earlier in the morning but my days are full.

Sobriety has not been too difficult for me but “substitute rewards” have been a challenge. I love sugar and in particular chocolate. To begin with, I was eating a world of sugar and also “consuming” in other ways – social media, shopping, coffee and cake. This really surprised me and I was not prepared for this.

Friday night rewards seem to be a right of passage. We have becomed programmed to feel that our jobs, our children or both are such that we need a reward for making it through to the end of the week. There is huge marketing around this. When I was a child, I don’t recall my parents needing a glass of wine to reward themselves for parenting or working. I had to learn to read my cravings which were not for booze but instead a remedy for our stressful paced lives! This initially appalled me but I have learned to be more curious and kind to myself about it.

So where are I am at now?

1. Not having any whiff of a hangover is the big win for me.
2. I don’t miss alcohol and there are sufficient alcohol free alternatives to satisfy me.
3. Learning that on a Friday night after a long week, what I am is tired. This does not need reward or blocking out – it needs rest. I try not to expect too much of myself. I am trying to balance my sugars (intermittent fasting is a huge help here).
4. I am having to learn to not react to others responses to my not drinking because they are exactly that: “others responses” and they don’t belong to me. I am not responsible for them. I am responsible for me and my choices……
5. Continue to pay attention to substitute cravings and listen to what it going on and try to live in balance.
6. I can role model positive choices for my daughters and let go of mummy wine culture.
7. I am no longer persuaded by alcohols supposed health benefits. I do not see any.
8. Finally I have the courage to not fit in with the cultural norm.